Garden of Eden
by ally.enchantress
Summary: Paperwork sucks. The SVU squad is caught in rather humiliating situations when their captain tempts them with an irresistable prize... My attempt at humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, this is my first attempt at a humorous situation. I don't know if you can tell, but I was really F****** HUNGRY!!!!!! And something in me just said, "FANFICTION!" Also, I was looking at SVU t-shirts on and I found my star quote. Yes, I am suitably ashamed of myself. No, that does not amount to much.**

**Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: I own the food, thankfully. Everything else is Dick Wolf's. For now. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jk :)**

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Olivia's stomach growled.

She glanced down at the mound of paperwork she had been assigned and sighed. _No, Olivia, paperwork equals stay. Done equals food._

Across from her, Elliot was watching her again. Was that hunger she could see in his eyes, or was she going insane from lack of nourishment? What was he staring at? Not her face…her…chest? Bastard. No, not her chest, her _necklace_. What the hell? Did it look like one of those foil-wrapped candies or something? That was just fucking sad.

When she looked over again, after her pencil started to look like a Twizzler, her partner was staring at his granite paperweight as though it was a hamburger. Looking around, she saw Fin practically drooling over a picture of a triple-layer chocolate cake that Olivia wanted to tear from the computer screen on which it was displayed, and Munch had picked up his gun and was literally about to eat it. Seriously. He looked like he was chewing on the metal already.

Damn it.

She pushed herself up from her desk with a heavy sigh and forced her legs to run the short distance to Munch's desk. He blinked, bleary and stunned, when she snatched the gun from the man's grip and waggled it in front of his face.

"John," she said sternly, "there are less gory ways to commit suicide." Starved recognition was like a foghorn blaring in his eyes and he grinned sheepishly at her before reaching out for the gun. Olivia shook her head, however, with a teasing smile on her face. "Maybe I ought to keep this as an incentive for you to get your paperwork done."

Munch frowned and picked up his pen again while Olivia set the apparently steak-looking weapon on the far corner of her desk, noting with amusement that nobody had noticed their exchange. She wondered vaguely if she should confiscate everyone else's guns, too, if Munch had nearly killed himself for a hallucination of food.

Footsteps sounded outside the squad room, and Cragen walked in with a bag in his hand. That bag contained the awe-inspiring scent of the most delicious thing she'd smelled. _Oh, God, FOOD!!!_

Her own bodily reactions absolutely appalled her. She felt the saliva gathering in her mouth, and she was certain her captain could see the ravaging hunger in her and her co-workers' eyes. "Captain?" she whispered. "Uh…is that uh…food?" Her stomach growled again. She felt Elliot's gaze locked on Cragen's left hand, which held a half-eaten donut. Olivia, however, was focused solely on the innocent-looking white paper bag in Cragen's right hand.

He met her eyes, and she watched her hopes and dreams fall straight from the ceiling and shatter upon contact with the floor. Her captain was nearly oozing amusement. "Why yes, Olivia, I have brought everyone food. He pulled a donut from the bag and waved it tantalizingly in front of her nose. She bit her lip and whimpered quietly as she smell drifted lazily around her head, taunting her. He showed it to the rest of the squad. Olivia was reminded of a pack of wolves salivating over the last white-tailed deer on earth.

The donut made its way over her head to come to rest on the far side of her desk. Almost involuntarily, she leaned forward. Her eyes widened and an almost senile grin broke her face as her tongue made its way disturbingly over her teeth. _My own... My love... My precious…._

Elliot's hand shot out like a whip toward her donut, but Cragen smacked it away before Olivia could pull out her gun and shoot him. "No, Elliot," he said sharply, placing another donut in front of him now. "Listen up everyone!" He was addressing them all now. "I have a donut for each of you. I will put it on your desk for you to eat when you're done. If you eat it before every single scrap of paperwork I have ever assigned to you is finished, dated, stamped, and on my desk, I will put you on desk duty for the next year. Understand?"

Another whimper emitted from Olivia's throat as she stared at her Garden of Eden, beautifully glazed to perfection and sitting, warm and inviting, in front of her. Cragen entered his office and proceeded to scarf down another one, cream-filled this time, in the window so she could see.

With another growl, she snatched up her pencil and began to write with a frenzy, every so often glancing up to ensure her precious was still there. It was.

She began staring at it more and more. _Food. Food. Food. Food. Food!_ She began analyzing it. There was a centimeter-long crack in the glaze in the middle of the side closest to her. A clump of sugar was protruding from the pastry along the middle ring. Ooh, was that a sprinkle caught on the top? Bonus! She blinked and saw her hand stretching closer and closer to the stupid—no, wonderful temptation. It took a phenomenal amount of will, but she pulled the offending extremity back and slapped it.

_No. BAD SVU cop. No donut._

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**Would you give Olivia the donut? Well, what if you pretend for a moment that I'm her and a review is a donut. PLEASE!?!?!?!?!??! I would love you forever and ever and ever! Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright, so snowbunnie101 requested a second chapter. If you've already read the 1st chapter (which I hope you have because otherwise this will make no sense) and don't think it needs a second one, I've obviously already uploaded it so don't read it. I honestly don't know how this works, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to put another chapter up in the first place, but then I got this idea and I just had to write it down. So, if you no like, no read.**

**Disclaimer: I don't think Dick Wolf is in my phone book, so I can't ask him for SVU. I can only dream..... :(**

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"I. AM. DONE." Elliot watched in silent horror as his partner stood lithely, like a cat, and all but ran into Cragen's office with a stack of paperwork in her arms. Fin looked up and his eyes followed her all the way in, jealousy and fear mingling on his face. Munch had that look that said clearly he thought the whole thing was a conspiracy.

Olivia dumped the multiple envelopes onto Cragen's already enormous pile. Each case's paperwork was neatly enclosed in a manila envelope. Said envelope was just as neatly labeled. When Cragen glanced up with a patronizing expression, Olivia waggled her eyebrows in amusement. "Finished, dated, stamped, and on your desk. What more could you ask for?"

"Thank you, Liv," Cragen said. Reaching under his desk, he pulled out another white paper bag. Without hesitation she took it and peered inside like a child at Christmas.

Inside, Olivia saw a bag of triple chocolate M&Ms Premium, which sent her to heaven. She saw a Ghirardelli caramel-filled chocolate bar, which made her think she was drunk and high at the same time. She saw a fifty dollar gift card to Starbucks, which made her wonder if she was dreaming. And she saw a clear plastic bag utterly stuffed with Jet-Puff Marshmallows. It took all her willpower not to pass out right then and there. What kept her conscious and alert was the idea of what torture she could inflict on the others while they finished their own paperwork. Her gut tingled in anticipation. "Thank you, Captain," she managed.

"Think nothing of it," he said. "Consider it a reward for working the hardest. I hope you put it to good use." She could have sworn there was relish in his voice. Did he _want_ her to make his detectives commit suicide by starvation and jealousy? Cool.

So she left with the treat bag, shutting the door and returning quite nonchalantly to her desk, where she sat and innocently looked around. "Are you guys not done yet?"

The sole response from her male co-workers was a simultaneous three-way glare in her direction. That glare said quite plainly, 'Warning: testosterone levels causing anger management issues. SHUT UP!' So, being the intelligent, safety-conscious detective she was, Olivia obligingly shut her mouth and reached for her donut.

Everyone's eyes snapped to her fingers, which were gripping the temptation with care, as though it was the most precious thing in the world. Ignoring them completely, or so it appeared, Olivia brought it within millimeters of her open mouth before halting her hand, setting the donut down on her desk, and reaching into her treat bag for the package of marshmallows. She glanced cursorily at Elliot, whose eyes were flitting between her donut, his donut, and the marshmallows with a ravenous expression.

For as long as she dared, Olivia held her donut in one hand and the bag of marshmallows in the other and pretended to weigh their value like she was trying to decide which one to eat first. She opened the marshmallow package, agonizingly slowly, and pulled out a single, perfect marshmallow, which she balanced in the palm of her left hand while still holding the donut in her right.

"Hmm…" she mused, just loud enough for the others to hear her, "which to eat, which to eat…" She swiveled her hands around each other like she was trying to fake juggling. Somehow, neither of her prizes ever touched the floor.

"Oh, my GOD!" Fin bellowed at her. "Fucking EAT it already!"

Olivia smiled angelically at him. "If you insist." And she tossed the marshmallow into the air, caught it easily in her mouth, and shoved a tiny bit of donut in after it.

But there was no way she was going to leave it at that. Grinning as well as she could with her mouth full, she chewed dramatically, savoring every bite. Her tongue exploded with delight as the taste of food registered in her brain. Her eyes closed automatically as she relished in her very unhealthy meal, and almost inaudible moans of pleasure could be heard as she swallowed, opening the doors to a whole other sensation of satisfaction as her stomach got to work digesting the delicacies she was feasting on under the pained eyes of her fellow detectives. She took another bite of the sweet, round, sugary goodness of donut, larger this time, and heard a low growl. Her mind automatically reacted, searching with her eyes for the source of this sound, and her gaze locked on Munch.

The grin that split her face in half could only be described as evil. Elliot and Fin half-expected a 'MWAHAHAHAHA!' to come from her vocal chords, but she remained silent. What she ended up doing was much worse. She locked eyes with Munch and continued to slowly eat her donut, occasionally bouncing her eyebrows up and down. In this way, she finished her donut under the watchful eye of everyone in the precinct.

She proceeded to throw marshmallows up into the air and catch them while Elliot, Fin, and Munch returned frantically to their paperwork.

"Hey, guys. What's going on?"

Nobody but Olivia reacted. Well, they reacted, but not as though they were greeting their ADA. Fin's arm jerked back about two inches and his neck tensed in a forty-five degree angle. Elliot did some sort of creepy spastic thing with his torso, which made him look like he was suffering a mild seizure. Munch started up this strange chant… "Must finish paperwork…Must finish paperwork…"

"Hey, Kim," Olivia said in welcome, tossing her a marshmallow, which Kim snagged deftly from the air and popped into her mouth.

The ADA pulled up a chair to the side of Olivia's desk and grinned. "Hey, Olivia." Her eyes flew around the room and rested on Munch, who looked slightly demented. "Um…what's with them?"

Olivia shrugged. "I don't know. They haven't even asked me for a marshmallow. I think it's some sort of ADD that gives them a strange compulsion to do paperwork. Must be a guy thing."

"Oookay…" Kim raised her eyebrows as her ears picked up Munch's chant. "Is there…uh…any way to pull them out of their strange obsession with the most boring part of their jobs?"

Olivia thought.

And thought.

And grinned so widely Kim thought she was going to break her face. "I know a way," she said in a voice that could only be described as evil. Kim half-expected her to add a 'MWAHAHAHA' to the end of it. Instead, she whispered something in Kim's ear. The attorney listened, waited for the pieces to click together, and almost laughed out loud when she got it.

"Will he be mad?" she asked with a wicked grin to match Olivia's.

"Probably," the detective answered, "but he can't do anything. I took his gun," she added in explanation, showing Kim the weapon temporarily residing on the corner of her desk.

Elliot raised his head from his paperwork to glance once again at his donut, to reassure himself that it was still there, and his eyes were, for some reason, drawn to Kim Greylek, whose arrival had gone completely unnoticed by him, sidling up to Munch, who was rambling on like a lunatic. Elliot was irresistibly reminded of the time he and Fin had watched the older man parade down a street raving about his conspiracies in a very loud voice. It was times like that when Elliot wished he'd brought his video camera.

"Hey, Munch? Can I…" the ADA trailed off suggestively, eyeing something on the obsessive detective's desk.

"Must finish paperwork…must finish paperwork…"

Kim smirked and glanced quickly at Olivia, who pressed her hand to her mouth to smother her laughter. "So you don't mind if I…?"

"Must finish paperwork…must finish paperwork…"

"I guess I'll take that as a 'yes'," Kim said. Elliot watched in mute amazement as Kim plucked the donut right off Munch's desk and bit into it.

Munch's eyes flickered up from his work to where his donut had just been sitting. Slowly, they followed an invisible trail to Kim, standing beside him, nibbling innocently on his reward.

His mouth dropped open.

His eyes widened.

The most horrible sound Elliot had ever had the misfortune of hearing burst from Munch's throat.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

From inside his office, Cragen looked up with mild curiosity to watch the entire event unfold. He calmly covered his ears until Munch's agonized scream finally petered out, and watched as Olivia waltzed over to her co-worker's desk and plopped a marshmallow down in front of him.

"You can eat it now," she said politely, "but if you finish your paperwork before you eat it, you can have another one. Your choice."

Cragen laughed to himself. _Just another day at the 1-6._

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**Alrighty then, what did you think? I must say, I really had fun envisioning Munch banging his desk with his fist, tortured over the loss of his donut. I brought Kim in there because Olivia didn't seem right for the job and I don't have Casey to work with anymore. :( Besides, I like Kim. I miss Casey terribly, but Kim is cool, too. Anyway..... like it? Hate it? Do tell!**

**--ally**


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